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The Evolution Of Bald Men

 The Evolution Of Bald Men

For at least 3,500 years men have searched for many ways of ‘curing’ baldness. That vain pursuit had led to a cacophony of anti-baldness recipes. Recipes, according to Rob Dunn of the New Scientist, like of ancient Egypt, where a mixture of iron oxide, lead, alabaster, onions, honey and fat from snake, crocodile, hippopotamus, and lion were utilized for such cures.

However the fact that bald men are still alive today, despite the many attempts on their lives purported from these so called remedies is a miracle. But the bigger miracle is the evolutionary factor.  Yes, there is a reason we needed our hair; to protect us from the beating sun, the frigid cold, to maintain our body heat, and the old classic, attract a mate.  So why haven’t bald men gone extinct? Here are 5 theories why God didn’t kill you.

1: Let the light shine on your head

Baldness exposes your scalp to sunlight, and while this may seem like a risk factor, baldness according to the kind Peter Kabai of the Medical Hypotheses, suggests baldness may be a “a finely tuned mechanism evolved to protect against prostate cancer." Studies have indicated ultraviolet light serve as a prevention to prostate cancer. This disease kills men early and interrupts reproduction.

2: Baldness signals maturity and decorum

 According to the kind gentlemen of the journal Ethology and Sociobiology Frank Muscarella and Michael Cunningham balding men are "associated with wisdom and nurturance."

3: ‘Don't mess with me!'

 Baldness a s a conveyor of dominance and status is another theory proposed by Dunn. As with other animals on this ravaged planet, "red is often the color of dominance," so an "angry bald head" would be read by sexual rivals as "a wordless but very clear statement of 'Don't mess with me!'"

4: Oh Charles you Bald Bastard

Charles Darwin the father of Evolution was a bald man, perhaps not proud of it but he’d be damned if he was going to write himself into extinction. Which may have prompted interpreters of Darwin's work to state. “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one most adaptable to change.”

5: Bottom line, no one really knows why you are not extinct

Perhaps its Highlander situation where there can only be one, or where no one really knows where they got their powers from, before they ruined it with their stupid sequels. But from what we know nobody knows for certain why bald men still exist. According to the kind Susan Deal of the British Guardian (Now please cue in English accent) "There isn't an evolutionary advantage or disadvantage in male pattern baldness, it's just one of those things...  I'm afraid nature has little or no interest in the individual after they have reproduced." Ouch!

Well at the end of the day, be bald and proud of it and shave like man.

  • Oct 29, 2020
  • Category: News
  • Comments: 0
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